Lying on the bed, she stares at the ceiling. Silence is thick in the dimly lit room. Her mind screams thoughts of suicide. She tries to keep her mind blank like the white ceiling above her.
The queen size bed below her stands still; ignorant of her troubled mind. the peach walls surround her room – book shelf at the corner of the room, right at the end of the bed; large table on the left side of the bed with a small black laptop resting on top of it; the room did not seem to have any traces of life.
However her chest rises and falls as she breathes in slowly. She closes her eyes. Opening her mouth, she tries to speak.
The words drift off into the silence. Her mind races with reasons as to why she should not pray. All the sins she lives in keeps stopping her prayers. Constantly asking for forgiveness; she continues to sin. now it is becoming to great. Whenever she closes her eyes, her mind reminds her that she is not clean.
“Forgive me Lord.”
She softly pleads weakly. Feeling alone; tears start to stream down her cheeks. “How can He forgive me for the 50th time over the same thing? He cannot, He will not be mocked.” she ponders. Turning to her side, she gazes at the table with the isolated laptop on it. Wanting to fix everything, she tries again.
“Forgive me Lord for sinning against you. I know it is wrong and that I deserve hell. Furthermore I was aware of the consequences of my thoughts before I put them into action. Have mercy upon me, put in me a clean heart. Don’t take your spirit away from me, instead renew it! Please.”
All this is lost in the silence. Feeling no different, she begins to sob. Her eyes are bloodshot and a puddle of tears begin to form on the blue pillow. Her last bit of hope fades with the words. Now hopeless, her eyes slowly close. Darkness fills her mind. Her sins keep replaying in her mind. They block her spiritual voice. The only sound in the room Is her sobbing.
She keeps living in sin and the consequences are unbearable. Suicide keeps presenting itself to her. Although it can never be an option; she still considers it. Cuddling up into a ball, she decides to confess her sins.
“Forgive me Lord for eating my mom’s custard without asking her.”